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| The Exterminator in Chief |
| 03.24.04 (9:04 pm) [edit] |
Here is how the "war on terror" looks to my jaundiced little eyes so far.
Through the years we took a few hornet stings and began to look out for anything that might sting us. Then suddenly on 9/11 (from out of nowhere! the curent Exterminator-In-Chief wants us to believe) a whole swarm of hornets stung the heck out of us. (Who could have predicted that!?)
After that attack, he took a trusty baseball bat and smacked the heck out of the hornets' nest. Now, using a baseball bat may not have been the best choice, but we happen to have a surplus of baseball bats, tons of them in fact. In fact, thanks to the baseball bat-industrial complex that we were warned about, we often look to smack things with a baseball bat first and ask questions later.
The results of the bat work were pretty predictable. The hornets' nest was smashed, but many of the hornets lived on. While hornets live, they will do what hornets do, build new nests and look for a chance to sting again. And so they have, in Spain, Turkey and other places around the world. It might even be argued that by scattering the hornets there are now many more, smaller and harder to find nests, which actually increases our chances of being stung.
In the meantime, what has the Exterminator-In-Chief been doing? Well, he has been trying to dig out a nest of ground bees, out in a little patch of woods in the back forty. Now don't get me wrong, ground bees are nasty little critters. But they tend to stay put, and for the most part only sting people who step right on their nest. For some reason the EIC tried to convince us that the ground bees were in fact hornets. When we didn't quite buy that he tried to tell us that certainly the bees were working with the hornets. Or maybe some of the hornets were down there in the ground.
Next thing we knew he had a crew with shovels digging up the bees. Actually, all things considered, the bee project started out pretty well. Most of the crew didn't get stung, the nest was destroyed and very few of the bees got away. Unfortunately, most of the crew is still down in the hole they had to dig to get the bees out. And now the EIC tells us that the purpose of getting the ground bees out was really to build a honey bee colony there. So the crew is trying to get a new, more useful hive going. The fact that someday, maybe, some of that honey might sweeten things up for the EIC and his friends has nothing to do with anything -- right?
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the Exterminator-In-Chief is looking for a renewal of his contract. Amazingly enough, he is asking for an extension based mostly on his handling of the hornet problem. OK, let's review his record. He says that although hornets have stung us before, no one could have predicted a hornet attack. He scattered, but did not eliminate the hornets. He couldn't seem to tell ground bees from hornets. Through contract additions -- that you had to pay for! -- he dug an enormous hole in the back forty to eliminate bees that were not bothering you and he has no idea when that project will be done. He seems to think he can turn ground bees into honey bees. And now the hornets have been seen building nests on other houses in the neighborhood and attacking your friends. And most of the exterminating crew is still in the hole.
Are you going to give him a blank check contract extension or find someone else who can do the job?
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| One Good Smite... |
| 03.22.04 (8:17 pm) [edit] |
Today as I listened to Wisconsin Public Radio, I heard something that made me stop right in my tracks. Someone called in and with evident sincerity, succinctly stated the Robertson/Fallwell theological argument as to the cause of 9/11. It was evident that she believed every syllable as she stated that "because America has turned away from God, the long arm of the Lord" reached out to smite us. I was flummoxed. I know people really believe this, but there are so many reasons that this line of reasoning is ludicrous, that it shocks me when I hear it.
The biggest shocker to me though is that most people who espouse this view, and indeed this caller, consider themselves devout Christians. And yet these Christians, and indeed Robertson and Fallwell themselves, can't seem to see that the New Testament itself argues against this point of view.
Now, it is true that in the Old Testament there's a whole lot of smiting going on. And God is doing a lot of it. First, He's drowning the world, then he's vaporizing Sodom and Gommorrah. And we haven't even got to Pharoah yet. When the Israelites are in His good graces, God smites their enemies. When Israel strays, God uses the Babylonians and others to smite them. Now don't get me wrong there is more to the story than that, but at times it seems that God's message might be "smite makes right." And obviously some people to this very day seem to have come away with that very idea.
But somewhere between the Old and New T's, God seems to have a change of heart. Somewhat like an earthly parent, He seems to figure out that all he has done by raising his fist is to teach his children to raise their ugly little fists. Smite begets smite, and suddenly the whole smiting thing is completely out of control. Perhaps even He can't figure out if the right people are being smited in just the right way to learn their lesson. Or perhaps we children just figured out that since we are going to die anyway, going out in a blaze of smite has a certain romantic appeal to it. Either way, God seems to have called for a change.
You don't have to believe me, as Yogi Berra said, "you can look it up." When God came to earth in the person of Jesus (as Christians believe) whom did He smite? No one. Not even one single smiting. Whom did He threaten with an earthly smiting? Again, no one. He unsmited Lazarus just to show He could do it. Even when He got rip snorting mad in the Temple, apparently the most lethal weapon he picked up was a hank of rope. This is the same guy who drowned all of Pharoh's soldiers? Apparently, this is not your forefather's deity.
In fact when the smiting time comes, who is that gets the full brunt of the smite? Those of you who have seen Mel's latest movie are way ahead of me here. What?? The "long arm of the Lord" allowed himself to be smited? Like a common criminal? Like those Sodomites? It's all there in black and white (or gory color if you see the movie.) When the smiting committee came to get Him in the garden, He went with them, as gentle as a lamb. You might almost think that God is talking to himself, not us, when Jesus says "he who lives by the sword dies by the sword." God's days of smiting are over. Even when they came to kill Him, he smote no more.
It would seem that at that moment God left the smiting business to his old partner, the devil. Not only did God end His smiting, but He wants us to smite our last as well. His command to "love each other as I have loved you," might be loosely translated into: "for My sake, stop the smiting already." But God knew his creatures too well, He knew that the brave few who would be smiteless would be in danger. This is what He meant when he said "Take up your cross and follow me." Or to put it another way, if you actually love your neighbors AND YOUR ENEMIES, you just might find yourself untimely smote.
Which is, of course, the ultimate irony. It could well be that those who are smited are in fact the favored of God. Jesus got smote and He WAS God! A good smiting could be the well deserved end of a vicious criminal, could be another saint burned at the stake. Or it could be the devil smiting just for the hell of it. You just can't tell who God does and doesn't like by how they get smote anymore. "Judge not, lest ye be judged," I think Yogi Berra said that. You can look it up.
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