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| Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda |
| 04.06.04 (1:30 pm) [edit] |
I'll admit it, I have re-write disease. I always want one more chance to say what I should have said. Or could have said, but didn't.
Like many writers I fear the blank page. Will I express my thoughts clearly? Will anyone understand or appreciate what I am trying to say? Thoughts that seem so elegant and organized inside my head, come out so ragged on the page. Constantly my typing fingers seem to disappoint my thinking brain. But the words do come out, some good, many not so good and then the real work -- and re-write disease -- begins.
Rewriting, reworking and editing. Can this word be changed? Does this sentence say what I really mean? Can I leave this sentence out? Why doesn't this paragraph sound like it did in my head? There must be a better way of saying this. And on and on it goes. It can be an obsession. Even after publication, sometimes I hate to read my writing, because even then I think, "oh, that is not quite right..." Some writers hate to have their words changed by an editor -- I usually slap my forehead and think "Oh that's better! Why didn't I come up with that?"
Unfortunately, life is pretty much a first draft. Well, maybe more like a weblog, in that some things can be edited. But for the most part once you open your mouth, it's published. It's over and done with, on to the next scene. Or it is for most people. People with re-write disease want another shot. As the conversation replays in my head later, I fill in all the things I should have said. Sometimes I think of clever witticisms, jokes and puns that would have been perfect. The French call this the "spirit of the staircase," the perfect bon mot that occurs just as you reach the top of the stairs.
Of course, if it stopped there it wouldn't be a disease. Not only do I want to liven up my own discourse, I have to re-write the whole scene. First I replace the things I did say with those I should have said. Of course, those changed responses would have changed what the other person said. Soon I am re-writing their dialogue as well. Pretty soon the whole conversation and the emerging re-write are streaming through my mind -- an unstoppable train of words.
Hurtful things I said are morphed into helpful, well meaning advice. Angry words are formed into logical arguments. Distant, disconnected thoughts are focused. Awkward silences transformed into knowing glances. Arguments are not so much won or lost, but are found to be problems to be solved. And they are always solved to everyone's satisfaction.
In my re-writes I say "I love you" much more often. "How can I help?" more easily comes to my lips. I just smile and say "Thanks." There is a lot more hugging. In the re-writes there is no need for the regrets of the first draft. Hopefully, my first drafts are getting better, and I always appreciate those that give me chance to do at least a partial re-write.
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