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| Pox Americana Marches On |
| 04.18.04 (7:41 pm) [edit] |
It is becoming clear that perhaps, just maybe, there were a few flaws in the plan. In Afghanistan, warlords have taken over as much as a third of the country, and the Taliban and Al Queda are described as "resurgent." In Iraq, well, don't get me started. Suffice to say those ain't flowers they're throwing in Fallujah. It's kinda ugly out there, with no end in sight. But amazingly enough the boys at BushCo are in fact planning yet another operation! Through documents obtained by the 9/11 Commission, inside information sources (OK, source, one lousy stinking source, if you want real journalism try Knight-Ridder) and a few wild guesses, I believe I have identified the target of the next invasion: Canada. That's right, let it sink in: Canada. The evidence is circumstantial, but strong.
Involvement in 9/11: There is no direct evidence linking Canada to 9/11, just like Iraq. But then again, why was Canadian airspace closed after the attacks? What did Chretien know and when did he know it? And when did he tell Bush? And when will Bush tell us? And does Bush actually know who the current Prime Minister of Canada is? If so, when will he tell us? And where was the New York Times during all of this? So many unanswered questions.
Weapons of Mass Destruction Who has more weapons of mass destruction, Iraq or Canada? 'Nuff said.
Terrorists Everyone knows that the lax standards of Canada leads to infiltration by terrorists. There is the now famous case of the terrorist who was arrested in Washington state. It is not as well known that a number of groups that threaten our way of life are active north of the border. Secret documents (not documents I have seen or read, of course, give me a break here) show that cells of the ever dangerous group, Non-Extremists for Gradual Change in Sweden are rampant in Canada, along with Responsible Citizens for Sensible Plastic Recycling. When will they crack down on these groups?
Drugs It is clear that Canada is becoming a major drug supplier to America. Why just last week in McDonalds, right there where children could see it, I saw a brochure for a Canadian Drug Club -- with chartered buses! No crack house was ever this blatant. Even the Taliban at least tried to pretend they were not in the drug business. But not Canadians.
Targets After the 9/11 attacks Donald Rumsfeld mentioned that attacking Iraq would make sense because they had "better targets." (Parable time: Man walks into a dentist's office and says, "Doc, help me, I think I'm a moth!" Dentist says, "You don't need a dentist you need a psychiatrist, why did you come in here?" Man says, "Because your light was on" Back to the story in progress) Better targets? My goodness Canada is full of beautiful, clean, crime free cities (how unAmerican!). Targets galore, eh?. Rummy must be drooling just thinking about it.
Vital Resources In the buildup to the Iraq attack, the administration kept saying "Noooooo, it is not about the oil. We, ummmmmm, never gave a thought to the the fact that they sit on the second largest oil reserve in the world." Yeah, right, and I'm Eleanore Roosevelt. Let's see, after the fighting in Afghanistan ended, things were relatively peaceful and to rebuild that war torn country Bush pledged a portion of his bottle cap collection and a rusty '63 Buick. In Iraq they haven't even stopped shooting at us and we have already started tossing around billion dollar "reconstruction" contracts. Not about the oil my ear. But be that as it may, ever tried to drink heavy crude? Not very nice on the throat. Canada has 20 percent of the world's fresh water supply. That's right, one out of every five glasses of water has a maple leaf on the side. And what are those pigs doing with it up there? Just trying to keep it clean, maybe canoeing on it once in a while. Such selfish greed! Well, pretty soon, we'll be putting that water to good use, filling swimming pools in Phoenix pal, you can count on that!
Remember you heard it hear first. Soon all this and more will be on the front page of every paper and 24/7 on Faux News as the war machine cranks up again, this time to distract from Iraq. Soon the drums of war will start beating, louder and louder before they reach a crescendo, timed perfectly for, I don't know, an election maybe? And this time, rather than marching in the streets with my "Inspections Not Invasion" sign, I'll be signing up. That's right I will take my pacifist little self right down to the recruiting station to sign up for the 82nd Airborne. I feel strongly about this, because there are medical students to rescue.
That's right, in the middle of the god-foresaken prairie of Canada huddles a group of shell-shocked students, just like in Grenada. The tortures they have endured are legendary. First of all they are in Saskatoon -- Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. Try saying that three times fast. Bet you can't even spell it without looking it up. Imagine their pain. Further, my source tells me that the medical students there are "trapped in a monastary from hell." (Well, that is not exactly what she said, but does this look like the Washington Post?) The godless heathens even force the students to work on Sunday! Further, after many years of endless torment they are then forced to provide medical care to those who need it, not just those who can afford it! Socialized medicine! Oh the horrors! Their plight has so touched my heart that I have set aside my abhorrance to military solutions and my tremendous fear of heights to parachute in and rescue them. Should be good for a laugh anyway.
If I am not accepted for that mission, I do have another plan. If we took a mere $10 billion (a fraction of the $80 billion downpayment in Iraq!) we could send 200,000 families on a secret mission. Each family would be given $50,000 seed money to move to Canada, and begin the process of "Americanizing" the Canadians. I can guaruntee a very low casualty count on both sides and it is very likely that many of these "troops" will, in fact, be greeted with flowers. Or at least doughnuts.
Now, I will admit, in a way that those in Washington are unwilling, that my plan has no exit strategy. We are talking quagmire wiht a capital "Q." It may not help recruiting to say this, but our "troops" could be there for five, ten or fifty years. Maybe longer with full access that good healthcare they have up there. Now, even with this little hitch in the recruiting pitch, I am sure that if Bush is not re-defeated and is selected as President for four more years, we will have no problem with people volunteering for this mission. Even without the seed money I'd be first in line. Beats the hell out of parachuting in.
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